DAY #205
Slept in late today, I was doing a lot of dreaming and just didn’t want to get up. One dream that I had, I want (and maybe need) to talk about.
I’ve had this dream quite often and it always leaves me feeling haunted. The dream goes something like this; Marcia (my deceased wife) has had an accident (never specified what kind) and as a result has suffered memory impairment. The scenario changes from dream to dream but her condition always remains the same and try as I may, she does not seem to love or want me anymore. The dream always involves me trying to bring back our relationship to where it once was, and always falling short, always failing. Why can’t I win her back? Why can’t it be the way it was?
Marcia was, is, and always will be the center of my life so walking away in the dream just isn’t an option, and to not have her love or be with me anymore leaves me when I wake from the dream, so sad, so empty.
Perhaps it’s guilt that fuels this recurring dream. Early in our relationship I disappeared for three months (that’s another story) and I think that hurt her deeply. Thank god she forgave me and took me back (divine intervention?). Through the course of our relationship (marriage), I was the spoiled, immature, irresponsible one that I know caused her stress and anxiety and god forbid, unhappiness. I never strayed, never lied (well, I did once, but I confessed to her before I could even finish the lie). As I said (and can’t say enough), she always has been the center of my life, and yet at times, I acted anything but that way.
Maybe it’s because I hurt her (emotionally) that conjures up this quilt? I never did it on purpose but nevertheless I did. Maybe it’s because she gave me life, and I gave her grief. Maybe because I’m where I’m at today because of her, and she’s where she’s at, that brings me this quilt?
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of her. My love for her and my commitment to her is as strong today as ever, There never was, and there never will be anyone else like her (at least for me).
I’m so sorry for the hurt I caused, I’m so sorry that I can’t tell her how bad I feel, maybe that’s where the quilt comes from?
I just hope that on that day, she’ll give me another chance to tell her.
The Journey. 
Thanks for sharing and being so vulnerable! That takes courage!
What makes you think she was still upset with you?
I know I have (unintentionally) brought Tim grief or hurt him here and there…and he has to me too…but because we love each other we easily forgive, learn and move on! Did her actions and words indicate to you that she did not forgive you?
I think she loved you very much…I think she loved all of you…all of the things you did with her and for her and even understood and definitely forgave the things that didn’t make her so happy (for short periods of time).
What can you do to forgive yourself?
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Hi kiddo, Thanks for your concern, I’ll need to think about your words. I’ll call you and set up an appointment.
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