01/08/19 Fruitland Park, FL

DAY #80

Had made plans to go to Crystal Springs this morning and swim with the Manatees. Crystal Springs is a small town near the gulf and a little over an hour away from the campground. Getting there, brings you through another edition of “The Villages.”

I was supposed to be there at 7:00 am and the tour would last until 10:00. Trouble was, I was still awake at 5:00 am, not a good way to start the day. I thought, this isn’t going to work. I called to leave a message and their voice mail was filled. Undeterred, I sent them an email letting them know I wouldn’t be there.

Almost immediately I could feel a change in mood come over me. I felt angry and guilty. Once again, I had set myself up for failure. I plan something and then don’t follow through. I felt down, so much so I even had thoughts of just packing up and heading back to Osakis, end of journey.

My actions brought me to a dark place. I get so frustrated. I’ve probed inside my head long enough to have a fairly clear vision of who I am, including my faults, my failings, and its causes. What gets me so angry is I don’t change. I’m capable of change, I think I want to change. It’s like; I see the right path, and then veer to the wrong one, and I do this over and over again.

I am my harshest critic, and unfortunately, biggest enabler. I look at my life and in the dark corners of it, I see one pockmarked with under- performance, under-achievement, hell, I see too much failure. Now don’t get me wrong, I see the good things as well (just think how much of a head case I’d be not seeing them). I don’t know, I hate it that I continue to allow the ghosts in my life to hold such power over me. I hate it that I don’t put forth any real effort to break free of that hold.

Part of this journey, this trip, is to help find that light-bulb comes on in my head moment where I finally see the path. This failure took me back a step, and showed me I’m not there yet. It reinforces that I need to confront my fears, rather than just step back into the shadows and hide from them. It reminds me that it will change only when I put in the effort to change it.

OK cowboy, You’ve fallen off the horse, now it’s time to get back on. The road ahead is waiting.

The second activity I had booked was a one hour air-boat tour. The tour took you around the mangroves, salt grass, and outer keys (islands) of the gulf. This tour was in Ozello (find that on your map), only about 25 minutes away from the Manatee swim. After getting a few hours sleep, I got up, put on my pants (big boy size) and headed out, making it to the air-boat location with time to spare.

I’m going to continue this to tomorrows blog because as it turns out, I had such a good time, I did it the next day (1/9/19), with a different operator.

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